Childhood Lessons

From the time we were little, my mom drilled into us how important family is. She lost her parents at a very young age. The loss of her mother at the age of 5 especially had an impact on her. It defined her. Someone once told me the lessons you learn when you are young, whether told verbally or learned just through experience, are the things that stay with you – for good or bad. To a large extend, I believe that to be true. Why else would it be so difficult to overcome beliefs that seem to be ingrained? “I’m not smart enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not good enough.” It takes a lot of work to throw off the stuff that was thrown on you as a kid.

I am very lucky and blessed to have a close relationship with my siblings. I am also close to my aunt, uncle & cousins on my mom’s side. We grew up with them. We saw them often. Sundays were a day for visiting with family. Growing up, we either went to visit my grandmother or cousins or they came to visit us. Maybe it wasn’t exactly every Sunday but it felt like it.

My relatives on my father’s side were a different story. They were in the picture when we were young but they moved to the west coast when we were all fairly young. My dad & his brother weren’t particularly close and, so, neither were we. Still – they were family. Growing up, when they still lived in NY, I loved seeing them. I clung to the idea that they are family and family is important.

After my mom died, my father became closer to his brother. After my uncle lost his wife, a year later, the brothers went on a cross country road trip and bonded. They vacationed together. Frank & I joined them on a couple of trips and I got the opportunity to meet my cousins and get to know them as adults. We went to California for a week and got to meet their children, cousins who I was just meeting for the first time. It was great. We had a lot of fun.

This past week, my uncle and some of my cousins came to NY. I have no idea when they arrived in NY or how long they planned on staying. Neither my father nor my uncle or cousins told me they would be here. All I know is they have been here through the long holiday weekend.

Going back to my mom & the whole family thing, I expected that they would want to see us. I thought we had developed a bond during the trips we took. They are, after all, family.

Late last night, I got a phone call from my dad. If I wanted to see them, I only had one shot at it, this afternoon (his phrase – one shot). I was annoyed that it seemed like they were squeezing us in, that they seemed to not really care about whether they saw us or not. As it turns out, I have plans this afternoon and can’t make it. My father told me how very busy they had been over the past few days. Yes. Busy seeing their other relatives.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t begrudge them for seeing their mom’s side of the family. I know they were very close to their aunt. I understand how important that is. But they are also taking time to drive down to PA to visit friends. Clearly that is a priority over seeing family. Our family, anyway. I cannot even imagine traveling out to CA and not getting in touch with any of them or not caring whether or not we got together.

And so I am hurt. I know it’s irrational. I shouldn’t care. These are not people we grew up with. Up until a few years ago, despite the bond we share as cousins, they were complete strangers.

It’s hard kicking aside ideas that have been embedded in you, though. That notion of how important family is – well I’m not going to toss that aside. I will, however, not waste my time & energy on people who don’t care about me, even if they are family. That’s one childhood lesson that needs a bit of an alteration.