Imagining Life, Post-Puppy

Don’t get me wrong. I love my dog. There is no truer sign of unconditional love than a dog. But frankly, after 12 years of it, I am looking forward to those dog-less golden years of my old age. You cannot be spontaneous when you own a dog. You can’t just hop in the car, drive out to the North Fork and decide to stay overnight in a romantic little Bed & Breakfast. Thus, I sometimes will refer to those days I envision in the future.

There is a slight problem when referring to those times I foresee in my future. I can’t say, “Yeah, after the dog dies, we can do _____ (fill in the blank).” It just sounds cruel and heartless. I have come up with a much nicer phrase. When my father says, “You & Frank should join us one year for spring training,” I reply, “Yes, we would like that. After Nicky goes home to Jesus, we’ll be able to do that.” I think the line is so perfect that I decided to share it with my friend. Considering the fact that she’s Jewish, it will be a lot funnier if she were to use that phrase when referring to her own dog.

My husband seems skeptical that I can live without a dog. He thinks I will be hypnotized by some cute little puppy after Nicky has gone home to Jesus. He is in doubt of my ability to resist. I have, therefore, created a list. On this list are all the reasons why I do not want to own another dog. Currently there are 17 items on this list. I will not bore you with the entire list but let’s look into a couple of them:

1. Fleas – Ah, yes. The Supermen of the insect kingdom. Able to leap tall people in a single bound, disgusting bodies of steel making it impossible to crush them. Of course there are ways to combat this problem. For $25 a month, you can buy medications to control and prevent them. Or you can buy those exact same meds from your vet for $7,500 a month.

2. Fur – There is something magical about dog fur. It falls off your dog and then is capable of reaching the 4 corners of the Earth. It will go everywhere. If you have a fireproof safe in the attic that is never, ever opened, the dog fur will find it’s way in there. I think the fur is actually alive and walks around. Either that or the fleas are ferrying it around the house.

3. Skid Marks – Trust me. You do not want me to fully describe what this is. Use your imagination & you will probably be right.

4. Doggie Barf – There is nothing more fun and exciting then walking barefoot into the living room first thing in the morning and stepping into a nice warm pile of dog barf. Well, expect maybe dog poop.

5. Muddy Paw Prints – I’m sorry but I am not going to get little boots for my dog. Instead, I’ll just get to have a floor covered with these:

Doesn’t that seem like a lot of fun? Don’t you want to run out right now to get a dog so you, too, can have a floor that looks like this?

There is one item on the list that’s actually a good thing. It says that no other dog will match up to Nicky. He is a sweetheart – gentle, good temperament, smart, obedient. Any other dog we get, we’d compare to him. Someone (Gin? Pam?) once said something about the dog of a lifetime. This guy is it.