Sure you have heard of Horse Whisperer and Dog Whisperer. You may even watch Ghost Whisperer. Now I bring you Pew Whisperer. Just what is a Pew Whisperer, you ask? Usually it is an elderly person, at least 70 years old. They sit in the pew directly behind you in Church and they whisper every single prayer out loud during times when the Church is completely silent. Their main goal seems to be to totally distract whoever is sitting near them.
I have often fallen victim to the Pew Whisperers. There I am in Church, trying to pray, enjoying the peace. Suddenly from somewhere behind me I hear it. No words are discernible. You just hear noises similar to a neglected tea kettle that no one will take off the stove (except not quite as high-pitched).
Most people probably aren’t even aware of the Pew Whisperers. I, on the other hand, have a very limited attention span and I can find distractions anywhere. When the whispering begins, it just makes me crazy. My concentration is shot and I end up thinking more about the Pew Whisperer than God, wishing they’d just shut up or at least, go sit someplace else.
I’m not quite sure why these people feel compelled to pray out loud but I do have a theory. Based on the fact that they all seem elderly, I suspect they think God is slightly deaf so He won’t be able to hear them unless they pray out loud. At least I think they are praying. Since I can’t make out any actual words, they could be sitting there whispering things about me.
I usually try to avoid sitting anywhere near a suspected Pew Whisperer. I scan the rows for elderly people with their lips moving. Sometimes, though, they trick you. They seem like perfectly quiet people until I sit in front of them. Suddenly they start whispering. It’s as though they can tell I’m psychotic & that their whispering irritates me so they know they must whisper. Then I am trapped because it would be rude to get up and move away.
Tonight we will be in Church for the Mass commemorating the Last Supper. (For Holy Thursday they have a special Mass and the priest washes the feet of 12 parishioners, imitating Christ at the Last Supper.) Hopefully I will be concentrating on the Mass and not on the Pew Whisperer.
April 5th, 2007 at 4:33 pm Quote
I don’t think anyone is whispering. I think you are psychotic and are hearing voices!
I think you could sell this column, except all the elderly at your church would be gunning for you, then, and you’d be hearing whispering coming at you from every direction.
April 5th, 2007 at 8:10 pm Quote
haha I agree with Peg mom. You are psychotic. Don’t you wonder why it does not bother anyone else but you?
You also forgot to mention those darn distracting children. Why are the so darn cute? Especially when they are under 2 years old and are doing the sign of the cross and folding their hands…
ps: no matter how psychotic you are, I will always love you…or try to anyway.
April 5th, 2007 at 9:14 pm Quote
UH OH! Theresa has some maternal instincts kicking in and is eyeing those babies!
May 7th, 2007 at 11:27 am Quote
I hear pew whispering all the time. Usually the first sign is intermittent hissing as the whisperer pronounces esses. Jesus is good for sss-sss, etc. Drives me nuts. (Is this grounds for divorce? But I’m not naming names.)
May 7th, 2007 at 4:16 pm Quote
Oh, I’m sorry, Suzanne. Now if that were me, I’d be going to Church alone. But don’t tell anyone I said that. OH! Yesterday we had one in back of us but this guy doesn’t just whisper. He makes really weird noises. I’ve heard him before but Theresa never had. It was not good sitting next to her. There we are in Church & I had to punch her leg to make her stop trying to get me to laugh.
June 4th, 2007 at 10:29 pm Quote
I think we have Pew Whisperers but they are complaining under their breath about unruly children (not praying). Just my opinion.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:06 pm Quote
HAHAHAHAHA I thought you mean more like PPP UUUUU (as in STINK) Whisperer.
I thought maybe you were talking about a slint but deadly one… and someone who was whispering about the pu.
Ok you have redeemed yourself.. simply because I am a MORON.