Today we are going to talk about UPS or, more specifically, my UPS man. As previously noted in yesterday’s blog entry, I do not like shopping. I do, however, love online shopping. Yes, let’s just be honest here and admit to loving every single aspect of the Internet but that’s another day’s blog. Let’s get back to online shopping and my UPS man. If you buy a lot of stuff online, you get to see the UPS guy a lot. Sure, sometimes it’s the FedEx man or an item is shipped out by Priority Mail but I’m guessing 85% of my orders ship through UPS.
What is my point, you ask? Well I have a bit of a problem with my UPS guy. He doesn’t like opening the gate and walking up the three little steps where he can gently place my package by the front door. No. His preferred method is to fling the package from the curb and hope that it lands somewhere within 20 feet of the front door. On occasion, he likes to mix things up a bit and try to scare the crap out of me by actually hitting the door with the package. Imagine sitting at your desk in a completely quiet house, typing away, minding your own business when suddenly you hear this loud crash outside. Another thing he sometimes does, just to keep people guessing is honk his truck’s horn as he pulls up in front of the house. I’m not quite sure what the point of that is. Maybe he expects me to run out to him so he doesn’t even have to leave his truck?
In case anyone is thinking, “Maybe one time your big, ferocious dog was out and now the UPS guy’s afraid to come in the gate,” the answer to that would be, “No.” He does this with everyone on the block, especially the horn honking. Your next question is going to be, “Why don’t I talk to him or file a complaint?” Because there is just no way I am capable of saying to him, “Could you please not throw my packages around,” without sounding nasty. Trust me. It’s just not possible. That’s why I married Frank. He’s in charge of talking nice to people.
But this isn’t really about filing a complaint and getting someone in trouble. The question is, why did this guy become a UPS delivery man in the first place if he hates delivering packages? Does he secretly yearn to drive one of the UPS planes but they won’t let him because he’s psychotic so they put him in a truck instead? Is he a super hero and has to get through his route fast so that he can run off and save people? Maybe he’s a frustrated baseball player who never made it to the big league. I think next time I’m expecting a package, I’ll have to try to secretly capture him on video and upload it. Then maybe we can solve the secret of his true identity.
Now I feel guilty because I happen to love my UPS man. His name is Kevin and even though my dogs often come charging at him barking up a storm he still comes to my door with every package. Maybe it’s that nice tip he gets at Christmas, I dunno.
I order a lot off the internet too. We even buy our dog food online. We figure why should we lug that heavy bag of dry food from the store when we can pay someone else to do it. And when my dogs bark at him I tell them to be nice because “he brings us presents!”
Ask Kevin if he can expand his route to include my house.
My UPS guys wear cute little brown shorts. I need to order more stuff delivered by UPS.
Hell, Peggy, you need to order stuff that’ll be delivered from UPS, FedEx & what’s that new one in the yellow truck? That way you can compare all the men & see which is cutest. No, wait. Hot. You want a “hot” guy. (See how cool I am? I know how to talk like a teenager.)